|Photo courtesy of Laura Shea|
It seems that lately not many things have gone as anticipated. Many of the crucial foundations from which my days are built (as of late) have been altered in some way. I'm sure, in time, I will see the reason behind why things worked out as they have but in the meantime, I feel like a little girl stomping her feet and pouting out of disappointment and well.....because I didn't get my way!
As I consider those many things here is one that stands out as it runs deep, on many different levels:: Several months ago I was pleased as punch to see my dream of being a body worker begin to culminate by being accepted in our local school for Massage Therapy. I began classes in October and have done really, really well! I was passing, in fact, I'm proud to say that my grades are better than I have ever done, ever......going back as far as my early school years! I loved what I was learning, I loved my classmates, my teachers, the drive to and from school, and I even loved that special coffee treat I'd get for myself occasionally for the ride home.
In other posts I've shared with you how our little Seraphina has been struck with some odd fever syndrome. We haven't gotten any new information as of yet and are kind of in a stand still, waiting to see if she spikes yet another fever. From the last two fevers they seem pretty cyclic so we're holding our breath a bit until the middle of the month to see if it indeed comes back. If that be the case, more tests and other work-ups will be performed to see what the best course of treatment would be. I have fear of so many things.....I pray everyday that all is as it should be and try to find peace in that, within myself and Seraphina's bright blue eyes, and in the comfort of my family. Because of these unforeseen instances, I had to withdraw from school. It didn't really take much thinking over, it was the right decision because first and foremost I am a Mother. The paperwork was finalized today and so long as all goes well over the next seven months I hope to begin again. I know, it doesn't seem that big of a deal, especially since a restart could be in my future.......it's just I had a plan, ya know?! I had things all worked out, dreaming up a business name, how I would be of service to my community, I dreamt of being able to help provide financially for our family easing the burden a bit for my husband. Mostly, I dreamt of rediscovering those parts of myself that still seek the sunlight.......
I'm breathing in and letting go. Like the tree above.......absorbing all that is and releasing it back; an ebb and flow; and give and take; a breathing in and breathing out. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned......we forget dates, are in bad moods for the littlest things, fight with or bring anger to another, say hurtful things out of fear and the unwillingness to just let it go, and sometimes we don't get what it is we had hoped for. Life is hard sometimes, but the best part is we can begin again any time. We can have a restart, even if it's months down the road. Once we give up and lose hope a piece of our spirit has died. One of the biggest obstacles of this has been to not wallow in my despair but to rise to the challenge to show my children that even as adults, we too, don't always get what we set our hearts and minds to. We cast our sight on our dream and aim for it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.......accepting the sadness for what it is but refusing to be defeated.
So, I will continue to breathe, continue to wake up, be a Mama to five amazing souls, a wife to one dreamy man, and in the meantime I will keep my eyes on my dream. It will come, one day. Even if in seven months it still isn't the right time I will find a away to keep those soul parts of me alive. After wading through the murkiness and sadness I've rediscovered that all that I am in a day is also the place where those pieces of me that get stuffed live. They live in my children and in my work as a homemaker, teacher, lover, friend, sister, daughter, blogger ;) Sometimes I forget......it happens. We get so caught up in what the picture in our head of how our reality "should" look like that we forget that it's the experiences that matter.
"To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. From the awakened point of view, that's life." ~ Pema Chodron When Things Fall Apart
I'm looking forward to pushing the restart button here at home. Reconnecting, digging deeper, and improving on what I can here at home. It feels good. There is peace after all......